Domestic Abuse: A Hidden Epidemic

Domestic abuse (sometimes called domestic violence) is a pattern of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour by a partner, ex-partner or family member. It can include physical and sexual violence, but also non-physical abuse – for example threats, humiliation, stalking, emotional/psychological abuse, verbal abuse and controlling someone’s access to money, work or friends. Even children who see or hear the abuse are considered survivors of domestic abuse under UK laws. In short, domestic abuse is a serious crime that shatters lives, even when it leaves no visible scars. It is shockingly common, and its impact can last a lifetime. No matter the form it takes, domestic abuse is about power and control. An abuser may use love-bomb tactics (overwhelm with attention or showering their partner with gifts) to gain trust, then slowly turn to cruelty and manipulation. This can leave survivors feeling confused, ashamed, or questioning their reality and themselves – a tactic often called “gaslighting.”

Domestic abuse is widespread in the UK. According to the Office for National Statistics, an estimated 2.3 million adults (aged 16+) in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2024. Over the long term, roughly one in five people has experienced domestic abuse since they were 16. To fully grasp its prevalence, the police recorded 851,000 domestic abuse-related crimes in 2023 in England and Wales. That works out to roughly one domestic abuse crime every 40 seconds​. These are only recorded crimes; unfortunately, many survivors live in fear and cannot speak their reality.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a complex, frightening process. Many barriers keep survivors trapped. A survivor may worry about revenge, losing custody of children, money, housing, child support, or even getting killed. Tragically, some women are killed when they try to leave. Survivors may still love their abuser or believe they can change. Abusers can be very charming and remorseful at times, which can leave survivors being trauma-bonded to their abusers. Survivors may also have low self-esteem after years of insults and believe they cannot manage or survive alone, as they've had that drilled into them by the abuser for years. Abuse often involves cutting off friends and family, isolating the survivor. Some survivors may feel shame or may blame themselves (“I should have stopped it”), or fear being judged. Cultural, religious or community pressures can also make disclosure frightening. These factors explain why a person can’t “just leave” overnight. Friends, family and professionals must understand these dynamics, offer practical help and respect the survivor's feelings.

Sadly, domestic abuse is clouded by harmful myths that blame survivors or downplay the problem. It’s important to separate fact from fiction:

Myth: “It’s only physical, and only when there are bruises.” Fact: Abuse comes in many forms. Controlling behaviour, financial abuse, and psychological cruelty are forms of abuse too​. Emotional scars can be as devastating and long-lasting as broken bones.

Myth: “Only women are victims.” Fact: Although statistics show women are more likely to be subject to domestic abuse, men can be abused as well. In 2024, about 712,000 men reported abuse in the past year​. Abuse is not limited by gender.

Myth: “It only happens in certain cultures/poverty levels.” Fact: Domestic abuse crosses all backgrounds, ethnicities and classes. Love and trust are the common factors – abusers exploit relationships. Having a good job or education does not make someone immune.

Myth: “If the victim wanted to leave, they would.” Fact: Leaving an abusive situation is extremely difficult, as discussed. Many survivors stay for months or years until they have safety and resources. It does not mean they aren’t strong or empowered – they often feel trapped, frightened or unable to cope alone.

Myth: “They must have provoked it / deserve it.” Fact: No one deserves abuse. The blame lies entirely with the abuser. Abuse can happen in any relationship, and love does not justify cruelty.

Myth: “If it was really bad, they’d call the police.” Fact: Fear of retaliation, shame or distrust of the system can keep survivors silent. Many suffer in silence rather than risk an unsafe situation or being disbelieved.

Understanding the reality behind these myths helps us offer compassion instead of judgment. Survivors need our belief and support, not clichés.

No one should face domestic abuse alone. Support is available, and therapy or counselling can play a vital role in recovery. Talking therapies help survivors process trauma, rebuild self-esteem and regain control over their lives. Often, survivors leave the abusive relationship not knowing who they are anymore. A trained counsellor can teach you that the abuse was not your fault, coping strategies for anxiety, depression or flashbacks that often follow abuse and can support survivors in their journey of self-awareness,  rebuild a sense of safety and authenticity. Recovery takes time, and it’s okay to go at your own pace.